Teresa Mars, wife of Ray Mars.
How do I describe the complete emptiness, the feeling of my own life having ended at the same time as Ray's, the complete difference in the lives we are all forced to lead now, without Ray. There really is no life, just an empty shell, going robotically through the endless days, without the mercy of death for me as well. I will never be able to really believe that such a horror could actually happen to my beautiful husband. It seems too horrific, too tragic, to have really happened. Part of the reason for that is that when Ray got out of the car at the Baltimore airport in the early morning hours of October 6, 2001, and walked through the airport doors, to fly to Belize, he disappeared off the face of the earth, for all of us, and none of us were even able to say good-bye to him. The reason for that, of course, is the terrible conditions that the bodies of the victims were left in, for several days, just laying on the pier, barely covered with black plastic bags, each and every one of them, with almost all of them having their legs and feet exposed, and one poor woman even having her face exposed. There was no dignity for the bodies of Peter Hughes' victims, no care given, no nothing. From what I have been told, Hughes himself was sitting on the side of the pier, crying. That certainly helped, didn't it? Why was he crying? Was is for himself, was he afraid that his negligence and lack of any safety finally being found out? He certainly, with all his financial resources, could have made the proper arrangements for the dignified care of his victims, thus allowing their family members to at least say good-bye, therefore trying to put some sense of fact upon this surreal disaster. However, he did nothing. Talk about useless. The crying did no one any good at all, but apparently he thought it looked appropriate for the Belizean press. I don't think he was fooling anyone.
How do I begin to explain that I still, after 4 years, start to walk to the phone when I am at work, when I need to speak to Ray. The realization that I cannot call him then hits me yet again like a ton of bricks. I am again blindsided, as has become my way of life. I expect this blindsiding around every corner, and I am never disappointed. How can I begin to explain the impact of waking up every morning, alone, going to work, and returning home to an empty apartment, then going to bed, yet again alone, trying to sleep? I have not yet figured out how to really relax, certainly many nights are completely sleepless, because I cannot figure out where my wonderful life partner is. I look for him constantly. I often wake up, actually expecting to turn over and see him there, yet again am slapped in the face with the horror of what has happened. We were married for over 33 years, and loved each other deeply. All our plans for our retirement had been completed, and Ray especially was so very much looking forward to that day. We were so excited by the coming ability to spend all of our time together. That was when we were both the most happy, and most content, being alone together, no interruptions. We had spent so many years working so hard, such long hours, preparing to have enough resources to retire, and finally enjoy life. That was one of the hardest parts, since Ray was the one who planned the whole thing, even going to the extent of drawing up plans for our dream home. However, Peter Hughes and Phillip Martin had other plans. They had no intention whatsoever of even trying to protect their passengers, did nothing at all to prepare them in any way, and abandoned them, trapped, to drown, in horror, pain, and terrors of which I can only imagine. I am haunted daily by the vision of Ray, knowing that there was no way out, trying desperately to breathe, and dying in agony. How do I explain that I have no reason to live now, and that I think I may have died at the same time, because I am positive that I am now in Hell. There is just no other way to describe this empty shell of existence that I have had put upon me by Hughes and Martin, and with no regrets, no apologies, no taking responsibility for their actions? Their complete denial of any responsibility for what they did to so many innocent people has increased the pain of this tragedy past any level of explanation. Every action, or statement, either of them has made since the killings, has only served to increase the pain of the family members of the innocent victims.
Then, there is our only son. He and his father were best friends, very close, completely alike, almost a clone of his father. Of course, he could never even hope to be like anyone better, but that only increases his own pain. As a young man, his life has seemed to him to be over, and he now really expects to die very young himself, since that is just what happened to his dad. As a young man, age 32 at his father's death, his entire perspective on what he formally referred to as life, has ended. He has completely changed, he feels as if he has no future, and that of course has made me feel even worse, if that is indeed possible. Everyone who ever even met Ray has been forever changed. His own parents were still alive when the horror began, and their lives ended at that very minute. In fact, his mother never got over her loss, and died over a year ago herself. She kept saying, at the wakes, and the funeral, that she wished it was her who had died, not Ray. Now she is with Ray, but that leaves Ray's father, almost 93 years old, completely and painfully, alone. He is merely a shell of his former self, almost unrecognizable. My parents, who felt like Ray was their own son, have also sufferred enormously. My mother tells me frequently that she looks at his picture, and still cannot believe what happened. She says she cannot make any sense of it, cannot get any explanation, nothing. And, she is one of the most deeply religious people I know. She cannot even get any answers from her faith. That is because there are no answers, there never have been, there was a closing of the ranks immediately, and we have never been told the truth, or anything even resembling it. That really does make the horrific situation we all are in even worse. We have begged for answers, both from Peter Hughes, and from the survivors. No one will even speak to any of us. And, Phillip Martin has simply run away, like the coward he is.
I can only end by saying that the impact of this tragedy is unending, never lessening, mostly getting worse every day. As each new horible day begins, the complete emptiness, the nothingness, of what I used to call living, is shoved into my face yet again. And, each day is worse than the one before, because he has been gone that much longer. I never could have imagined being without him forever, and if I even thought of it, I was absolutely positive that I would simply die also, from the grief. Unfortunately, God has not been that kind to me, and I am forced to go through day after day, as if I was still alive, yet knowing that I really am not, trying to just make the days pass by. Absolutely nothing that was important or even existed, in my own life before, has ceased to exist. I don't know who that woman, Teresa Mars, was, before October 8, 2001. I see pictures of her, smiling and laughing, with her beautiful soulmate Ray. She is someone who has become lost to me, and even though I know she was a very happy woman, I cannot imagine that everything was so fantastically wonderful then, and so drastically empty and painful now. I know that I am not the same person, the real Teresa went away, when Ray died, and I cannot find her. I think that maybe the real Teresa is in Heaven with Ray, and some robot is left here on this earth, completely empty of everything.
Sincerely,
Teresa Mars, wife of Ray Mars, victim of the Wave Dancer disaster
Another part of the real impact statement: As Hurricane Wilma slams into the Central American area of Cozumel, and Belize, especially, I wonder so much what Peter Hughes plans are for this disaster. Have the passengers been evacuated? Or is he temptimg fate once again? Did he learn any lessons at all from the pain he has already so callously caused so many? I wonder, yet who knows?
I did think of one more big impact, upon Heather Johnston and me in particular, that should not be forgotten. That is the ability of anyone who cares to, anyone who doesn't even know us, or our loved ones, to say anything and everything about us, and yet not allowing either of us to give our own opinions and feelings. I speak in particular of CDNN and ScubaBoard.com. Both have caused unbelievable horrors, I know to me, and I think to Heather also. For CDNN, they contacted me originally, asking for an interview. I did not seek them out. In fact, I had never heard of them. I wish I could go back in time, and say no to any communication with them. They used me for sensationalism, and when I was no longer needed, they decided to close the Wave Dancer forum, with a large announcment for all to see, that it was due only to the increasingly hostile and accusatory remarks by both Heather and me. During the previous 3 or so years, when forum writers were allowed to make personal attacks on us, nothing was ever said. In fact, one particular individual said more horrific things to me than I could ever have thought possible, the worst being, "Go back to Mars, Teresa", yet that was apparently just fine with the moderators. Apparently, what is OK for one side is not for the other.
As for ScubaBoard.com, I had also never heard of them, but was contacted about some missing divers over a year ago, requesting a donation, and then being told that the news of their search could be found on ScubaBoard. Since I felt so bad for their family members, I did make a fairly significant donation, but then began looking at ScubaBoard. One of the moderators there, Kim, and another, Natasha, chose to publicly chastise me for any words I said about Ray's death. Kim in particular twisted every word I said, and read anything he/she wanted into them. I was chastised severely, like a child, and my words were reported directly incorrectly. Kim made a public statement on that forum about my character, etc. There was never an apology, just my removal from the board. These things have given the general scuba diving public the idea that I am crazy, and that Peter Hughes is an innocent person that I have attacked for no reason.
I am not allowed to give my opinion, yet the treatment of the Hughes supporters is quite different. I have never in all my life been treated this horribly, not only by these two sites, but by so many other people, both personally and publically, as I have been since October 8, 2001. I always had heard of the victim being blamed, but never realized the intensity of the hatred that is so apparent. What kind of person blames the victim? I cannot, nor will I ever, understand the concept behind this idea. Is there no character, morals, or ethics anymore? Apparently not much.
Teresa
Mars
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